Why your arguments with your spouse don't get anywhere.......

I didn't imagine that my first journal post would be about this topic and I had assumed that this area would provide a means for me to pass along interesting research information and comments on current events. However, this is more a bit of insight that might be useful to those of you wondering why your relationships are not going the way you expected. 

In musing on the most common reasons couples come in for therapy, I don't find that money is the primary reason. Apparently, that has been cited in the media as the primary reason that marriages fail. I don't think so. Understanding that media has to form a news bite that is quickly understood when captured in a headline, I think the most common problem is far deeper than that, and also less specific. Yes, it's easy to fight over money, or sex or domestic chores but that doesn't make them the cause of fights. They are often simply the vehicles for the argument. They are the behaviors that each partner can hide behind and point to as proof that the other partner is at fault. So, of course, because these complaints aren't the real, and deeper, issue, not much gets resolved no matter how right you are.

After couples have argued and argued (until they were "blue in the face") they assume that the relationship is hopeless. That is not usually the case. Even the most desperate couples who come in, with an airtight case of how their partner wronged them, have a deep love for each other just beneath the surface of their anger. The primary reason that they fail to communicate effectively is usually found in their assumptions about what their partner's behavior and statements mean. The secondary reason is probably that they don't speak their own feelings clearly. Instead, they're usually too effective in speaking their criticisms of their partner.

For example, a husband complains that his wife is disorganized and careless about money. She takes that to mean that he looks down on her and is chauvinistic and judgmental (maybe the same way she experienced her father's criticisms). That puts her  in a position to look for a rebellious way to show her anger (revenge!). She escalates the conflict by allowing her male best friend from childhood to provide some soothing support. The husband gets furious and now can accuse her of disloyalty - an insult few men can bear. They each check on divorce and child support costs and decide to make a last ditch effort to save the relationship by choosing counseling. That's a great move! With honesty and courage and a good therapist, the relationship will probably survive.

Instead of waiting and using therapy as a "last ditch" effort, go in on the first sign of failure to communicate. Go in when the same argument recurs after three or four unsuccessful rounds.

Why? Because the recurrence of an argument means that whatever is being argued about is not the real issue and that both of you may not be able to mobilize the skills, experiences or objectivity that will allow you to recognize what the real issues are. The solution doesn't lie in the therapist giving you directions. It lies in a therapist, as an objective & trained observer, showing you how to recognize the issue and how to effectively communicate your needs and hear your partner's needs. Once you learn how to do this, it's sooooo much easier and less stressful to handle those expectable bumps in the road to relationship comfort.